The Parody of the Rings: The Losership of the Ring
by f
Summary: A parody of the first LotR movie: what if Peter Jackson arrived in MiddleEarth with a production crew? This story follows up on what would happen. Sidesplittingly funny, as it is intended to be, I promise.
1. Season One: The Prologue!

Well, here goes. A third, valiant attempt at reposting this.

First, a little verbiage (for you newbies, I always prate at the beginning of chapters): It's amazing, the other day I realized it had been three years since I started my site (May 19, 2003-May 19, 2006) about a month ago. Didn't even realize, been so busy. Hooray, junior year's over.

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Okay, so I'm reposting this for, what, the second time? So, to see if will get off my back, I'm going to make a small format change or two. If you want to read it in Script format, go to my site (it's in my profile) and you'll see Season One there, I'll put up the rest of it later. Okey?

Anyway, for those of you who haven't read this, you've really been missing out. Read it and you'll enjoy.

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When I originally wrote this, I put "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUGIVE A KID A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN FOR AN AFTERNOON".Eh, I was in middle school. However, I do guarantee you will like this.

** PROLOGUE**

Voice says, _Long ago, there were forged the Scripts of Power…Three to the Elves, immortal, fairest and wisest of the Races...good in supporting roles, too…Seven to the Dwarves, who TOTALLY ROCK with SFX… _

_And nine, nine to the Race of Men, who above all else desire starring roles…coughViggo Mortensencough_

Voice 2 says, How come no Scripts were given to the Hobbits? Eh?

Voice 1 says, Shut up, Merry, I'm trying to talk here.

_But they were all **deceived.** _

_For there was another…_

Voice 2(Merry) says, Was it given to the Hobbits? Hmm?

Voice 1 says, No! Moving along…

_In the dark country of Hollywood, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Phillipa Boyens forged a Script, and into it, they poured their budget, a contract, an original text by J.R.R Tolkien, and their will to dominate the Academy Award for three straight years… _

_**One Script to Rule Them All…** _

_And one by one, the critics of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Script… _

_But there were some…who resisted. _

_There was formed a Last Picket Line of Elves and Men and the Occasional Dwarf--_

Voice 2(Merry) says, And Hobbits?

Voice 1 says, No! So…

_And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the Unionization of Middle-Earth._

Elrond says, (at the head of troops) Are we ready? One…Two…(approaching Orc lines are shot down by stray pickets)…Three…GO!

(A line of Men cuts down the first Orc line, slicing picket signs systematically)

Elrond says, That's right! More pay or we won't stay! More pay or we won't stay! We Elves don't have to stick around and shoot Jackson's--

Voice 2 says, Michael? Cool! _Thriller!_

Voice 1 says, No, silly; Peter. Now hush!

Elrond says, (continues) –motion picture trilogy! We can just sail into the West! More pay or we won't stay! Sing it 'til the Oliphaunts come home!

But the power of the Script...could not be undone.

(Sauron appears--Script and Ring in hand)

Sauron says, (waves Script) Ha! Script says…DIE!

(Soldiers read the Script revealing their death; groan, and shoot off into the air screaming)

_But when all hope seemed lost…_

(Elendil slammed against wall; Isildur comes to his side--then Sauron appears)

_Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword._

Sauron says, (waving Script) DIE! NOW!

Isildur says, Um...No. By the way, you're standing on a sword. Lemme take it.

(Isildur grabs sword; hilt-shard breaks off)

Sauron says, Darn, I broke it. Oops. NOW DIE!

Isildur says, Did you even read the Script?

Sauron says, Yes, and I'm the big baddie--NOW DIE! DIE!

Isildur says, Um…No. See…(waves the hilt-shard of Narsil maniacally)

Sauron says, Hey watch it now! You'll put an eye out!

Isildur says, No! My Sword!

Sauron says, Dratted young'uns! Now be careful, this is a new cloak with matching boots!

Isildur says, Huh? Whatever. I'll be careful, geezer.

Sauron says, OWOWOWOW! I told you that you'd put an eye out!

Isildur says, (still waving Sword) What _now_!

Sauron says, My eye! You cut it out, and wow, it's gone and landed on that tower I built way back when.

Isildur says, The Trump Tower?

Sauron says, No; the other one. Barad-dur. Now it's started getting bigger…Whoa, it's hideous, I should've gone easy on the mascara…and now it's lidless, wreathed in flowers--

Isildur says, Flames.

Sauron says, Huh?

Isildur says, You said "wreathed in flowers", but the Script says, "wreathed in flames".

Sauron says, Oh.

(The "Eye" is suddenly wreathed in flames instead of flowers--Sauron sighs)

There goes my blue ribbon garden…

Isildur says, Yeah, well that piece of you will survive this next bit.

Sauron says, Are you threatening me?

Isildur says, Quite possibly. See, you have to turn the Eye "on" to get it all…creepy…

Sauron says, Your point…?

Isildur says, My Sword. See?

Sauron says, I think says,

Isildur says, But not as well with one Eye, I bet. Anyway, you need to turn the Eye "on", but you can't now, but you'll return to do it in a few millennia.

Sauron says, How do you know this?

Isildur says, Script.

Sauron says, Oh. Is this gonna cost me to turn it "on"?

Isildur says, It's like those cruddy binocular sets on stands. Y'know, the ones tourists use, but it eats up their money? Fifty cents, too says, nothing's free anymore.

Sauron says, I'll borrow it off Saruman later.

Elendil says, (waking) Isildur, how many times do I have to tell you, no playing with sharp objects like hilt-shards! You don't know where that Sword has been!

Isildur says, It's yours, Dad.

Elendil says, Well, how do you know I've washed my hands? Eh?

Isildur says, (to Sauron) Family's always embarrassing, ain't it? And…No offense, Dad, but 'ccording to the Script, you die now.

Elendil says, (snaps his fingers) Golly gosh darn it! (dies)

Isildur says, You, too, Sauron.

Sauron says, Man, just when we were getting all chummy…

Gil-Galad says, Don't I get to be in this movie, too?

Isildur says, No.

Gil-Galad says, (snaps his fingers) Golly gosh darn it! (dies)

(Sauron then explodes in an explosive explosion of explosive SFX explosives)

Isildur says, Ha! Now the Ring is mine! (hesitates) But wait…what if Sauron had a will?

_And Isildur had this one chance to destroy all evil…_

Peter Jackson (PJ) says, Just sign on the dotted line!

Isildur says, (holding pen) Hokely dokely!

_But he screwed it up._

(Cut to says, Isildur riding with line of men, Ring on chain around his neck)

Isildur says, Look! Orcs! Fight, men, fight!

Men says, Nah.

Isildur says, Darn it! Curse ye, Hollywood, thou hast tricked me…Script of deeeea--(attacked by Orcs, dies)

(Ring floats down Great River)

_And slowly…the tale faded to rumor, rumor into legend, legend into tabloid stories, and tabloid into a NOVA special on the legend aired by PBS… _

_Until it was found by the creature Gollum, who fled with it into the Misty Mountains…But the Ring abandoned Gollum… _

(Ring clinks around on rocks)

_Apparently it wanted alimony payments… _

_Yet then something happened the Ring did not perceive…(most likely a faulty fortune cookie)…It was found by a Hobbit…_

Voice 2 says, YES! YES! A HOBBIT, FINALLY!

Bilbo says, What's this?

_Bilbo Baggins of the Shire…_

Bilbo says, A Ring! And a Script, too! Hmm…It says, "Wail says, _Preeeecious!"_

Wail says, _Preeeecious!_

Bilbo says, Right-ho! I suppose I'll take this…

(Cut to says, The Shire, 60 years later)


	2. Season One: A Long Avoided Party

What, an update in three days?…! Don't start expecting it. But anyway, why ruin a great occasion.

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So, this is the first chapter of the thing. The format is still changed, still plenty of grammar mistakes because I basically lifted this off Greenbooks and did some find-and-replace magic. Yes, I know they're there, but I've edited this several times and if deletes the edited version, what do I do?

Nothing! Yay. It's kind of funny, because at this point PotR has developed a kind of interesting history. Peep my site, hit "background" for details and the "chart of shame". As for the quotations, do you really expect me to go through the whole thing and insert them in? Anyway, I was more excited last time I posted this for the first time, mostly because I posted all of Season One in one chapter. Now there's seventeen to go, so buckle yourselves in, it's a long ride.

Commence!

**Not-So-Real World Productions Presents:  
The Parody of the Ring says, SEASON ONE**

This is a story. A tale of how nine guys, a camera crew, some good armies, and some evil armies, can stop acting nice, and start acting REAL. This is…the Not-So-Real-World.

(shuffling off-screen)

My name is Peter Jackson.

(more shuffling)

And this is the story of how…

(shuffling stops)

We shot _The Lord of the Rings_. It was hard, especially on our budget, but we did it. We transported me, a camera, and a film crew into Tolkien's middle-earth. We had some mishaps, like the "pregnant chads" in Miami-Dade, and the ending of humanity 50 years ahead of schedule (an ACCIDENT!), but we crossed multiple dimensions to here. Now we can film the trilogy, with almost semi-good actin', by following the Fellowship, as the journey through the world like pathetic little ants, with a camera.

(Numbers come on screen; beeps like in old movies)

3…

2…

1…

ACTION!

Day 1 Diary

PJ says, I'm just getting ready for the Hobbiton shots. Good day.

Scene 1, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Road, Hobbiton

Gandalf says, Hum-drum…This looks like a job for me, so everybody here just follow me…

Scene 1, Take 2(Beep!)

Frodo says, (appearing) You're late!

Gandalf says, (stops cart) A wizard is never late…Nor does he arrive early. He arrives _precisely_ when he--say, what's that big black thing?

Frodo says, Gandalf, that's a camera!

Gandalf says, It looks like the work of the Dark Lord! There is great evil afoot!

PJ says, (smacks forehead) CUT!

Scene 1, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, Hum-drum…Whoa…Oops, eeeek!

(Gandalf and cart tip--then fall over)

Gandalf says, Aaaaaah!

(Fireworks explode)

(Camera swivels wildly)

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 1, Take 4 (Beep!)

Frodo says, Tell me of the outside world! Tell me everything!

Gandalf says, Everything? Well, what can I say, there's another Bush in office…stuff in Iraq, too…

PJ says, Cut. Just cut. (sighs) I'm starting to see a real downside to this…

Scene 1, Take 327 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, Something I am glad of…

Frodo says, Gandalf, yes, we finished the scene!

Gandalf says, You fool of a Baggins! We still have two lines!

PJ says, Somebody shoot me…

Scene 3, Take 1 (Beep!)

Bilbo says, No thank you! We don't need any well-wishers, old relations, salesmen, or otherwise!

Gandalf says, And what about old friends?

Bilbo says, (opens door) Gandalf! Gandalf, old friend, can't you read! It says NO ADMITTANCE!

Scene 3, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, (to Bilbo) You haven't aged a day…Been usin' those Alpha Hydroxy creams, eh?

Scene 4, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

Bilbo says, I can make you some eggs, if you'd like…

Gandalf says, (back turned, face in Bilbo's food pantry, stuff face and cloak with food) What? Just tea, thank you…Ooh, muffins!

Day 1 Diary

PJ says, Finally finish Bag End scenes. Bilbo's party, soon.

Scene 6, Take 1 (Beep!)

Bilbo says, Gandalf, old friend, this will be a night to remember.

Gandalf says, Well, I still say the Elves throw better 'raves'…

PJ says, CUT, GANDALF, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING!

Gandalf says, Southfarthing Leaf, old friend…Best in the Shire!

Scene 8, Take 1 (Beep!) Party

Frodo says, C'mon, Sam, ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam says, I think I'll have another ale..

Frodo says, No, you won't! (pushes Sam)

Sam says, Yes I will! (pushes Frodo hard)

(Frodo gets up and punches Sam in face)

(Fists fly)

Bilbo says, CATFIGHT! (jumps in pig-pile)

Scene 9, Take 1 (Beep!) Party Tent

Merry says, No, no…the BIG one, yes…

(Merry and Pippin run in tent with firework; affix it loosely in ground)

Merry says, All right! Er…Put it in the ground!

Pippin says, It is in the ground! (pushes firework at Merry)

Merry says, Well, I don't want it! (pushes it at Pip)

Pippin says, Well, I--AAAH!

(Firework shoots up with Pippin)

(It comes down in a fireball)

Pippin says, That's it! I QUIT!

(His hair is still on fire)

Scene 11, Take 1 (Beep!) Party-Tree

Bilbo says, And…well…BYE!

(Bilbo attempts to jump from stand to under a table quickly)

Odo Proudfoot says, Whadja do THAT for?

PJ says, Bilbo, you were supposed to put on the Ring and disappear!

Bilbo says, I know, but just going 'poof' gave me the heebie-jeebies!

Scene 11, Take2 (Beep!)

Bilbo says, (muttering to self) Yes.. I've put this off long enough…THIS IS THE END! I'M GOING TO VEGAS! GOOD-BYE!

Scene 13, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

Gandalf says, (appearing) I suppose you thought that was terribly funny. A real Seinfeld, you are!

Scene 13, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, BILBO BAGGINS! I am not trying to rob you…Well, actually, I did rob you…Some crystal candlesticks…and some of those _jools…_ a couple of bagels--

PJ says, Gandalf, can we confess SOME OTHER TIME!

Scene 14, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, Bilbo…The Ring is still in your pocket…

Bilbo says, (shakes hips) Why don't you come and get it, big boy?

PJ says, Oh…my…God.

Scene 16, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo says, (coming in) He's gone, hasn't he?

Gandalf says, (muttering) _Riddles in the dark…_Oh, yes…He's finally gone to Vegas.

Scene 17, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo says, Where are you going?

Gandalf says, To the bank, m'lad, then on to Vegas!

Frodo says, But you've only just arrived!

Gandalf says, Well, when you're hot, you're hot!

Day 3, Scene 19, Take 1 (Beep!) Minas Tirith

Gandalf says, (reading the Scroll of Isildur) Hmmm…Whoops! (spills coffee)

(Coffee soaks through scroll)

Gandalf says, Uh-oh…


	3. Season One:A Shortcut to Pot

Well, it already has a long enough intro. Keep in mind I wrote this intro June 2006, the second intro June 2005, and the actual material November 2002. Weird, huh?

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So, as we begin the third chapter of this ever continuing saga, I must say I'm surprised at how many hits this thing gets. Sixty eight, wow, that's quite a few. Unfortunately, only two reviews. I actually found someone mentioning my fic on some MSN group, which I thought was cool. In other news, sorry for the delay. My summer's is suddenly busy, because I've gone from a previous amount of zero to now the grand total of two (somewhat sporadic) jobs. Not that I've really got an excuse, since I'm just reposting stuff. In fact, I forgot to do the find-and-replace sorcery but it'll resume after this chapter.

Finally, some gave me the new Harry Potter book and despite the fact that I now despise Harry Potter, you don't read four of the books to stop. And I just thought of apple-picking for some reason. Obviously, I'm bored, which means there might be some new material soon. Fun fun!

**Not-So-Real World Productions Presents:  
The Parody of the Ring: SEASON ONE**

**Part 2, And It's just Getting' Started**

Day, 4 Scene 20, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

(Frodo walks in--finds place in a mess)

Frodo: Damn! Sam must've come for a "just a cup of sugar, Mister!" again!

Sam: (outside window) Nope, just taters this time!

Scene 21, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: What does it say?

Frodo: Nothing…Wait…There are markings…But it's all Greek to me…

Gandalf: Try Elvish, dimwit.

Scene 22, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: This is the One Ring of Power.

Frodo: Cool! Is there a reward?

Gandalf: For finding it? Of course; thirty bucks! Let's go!

Scene 22, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: I searched everywhere for the creature Gollum…What they did to him until he told them what they wanted, I do not know…

(Cut to: Tortures chambers of Barad-dur)

Gollum: _Shire! Baggins!_

Orc: (halting the torture contraptions) That's not what we want! The cable router at Lorhlorien is broken--The Dark Lord wants to know when it'll be fixed! …You are the cable guy, right?

Scene 23, Take 1 (Beep!)

Sam: Don't turn me into anything… _unnatural_!

Gandalf: "Unnatural", eh? Now that you mention it…Frodo could use a pony to ride…

Day 6, Scene 26, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard

Saruman: Smoke rises from the East, and the cable guy--

Gandalf: (riding up to door) I'm no cable guy!

Saruman: What? Damn! The router at Lorien's been busted for the past 65 years…I thought you'd come and fix it…

Scene 26, Take 2 (Beep!) Orthanc Gardens

Saruman: Your love for the halfling's leaf has obviously slowed your mind.

Gandalf: Well…Their drugs 'n' beer take their toll too…(becomes glassy-eyed) Just call me…the Big G! (faints)

Scene 26, Take 3 (Beep!)

Saruman: Time? What time do we have?

Gandalf: Hmm, well, my watch says 3:25 in the afternoon…

PJ: Stop it, Gandalf. I'll take that watch away, you know I will.

Scene 26, Take 4 (Beep!) Inside Orthanc

Saruman: His gaze pieces earth, mind, and flesh…

Gandalf: I always knew that Sauron had problems. Weirdo. Staring at people like that…

Scene 27, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Saruman, a palantíri is a dangerous object!

Saruman: Why not? Why can't we use it, if we know how?

Gandalf: We do not know who else may be watching! (covers Stone--Eye flashes)

Gandalf: Ooh, pretty!

(Gandalf covers and uncovers the Stone)

Scene 27, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Don't ya have anything better to do?

Saruman: Well, y'know, the cable's out, and Ernie the Balrog keeps sending me his stupid joke e-mails…What can I do?

Scene 27, Take 3 (Beep!) That big Tower place

Saruman: They will find it…And kill the one who carries it.

Gandalf: Cool, ya think I'll get Frodo's stuff?

Scene 27, Take 4 (Beep!)

(Gandalf and Saruman fight)

Saruman: I gave you the choice of power…But you…have elected…the way of…PAIN!

(Gandalf shoots up)

Gandalf: RAISE THE ROOF! RAISE THE ROOF OF ORTHANC!

Scene 27, Take 5 (Beep!)

(Gandalf spins as he rises)

Gandalf: I'M…GETTING…DIZZY!

Saruman: Need a barf bag? BWAHAHAHA!

Day 6 Diary

PJ: Well, our budget is dying, so we're gonna mash some scenes together (in shooting, of course: Don't wanna be attacked by purists!) Scenes 28, 29, 30, and 31, will be shot together, and edited into different sections of the movie (like a normal film). We should shoot it in real-time, but this is just enough cheapness to scrape by.

Scene 28, Take 1 (Beep!) Outside Orthanc

Saruman: Cut them down! Cut all the trees down!

Orc: The roots are strong, m'lord…

Saruman: All right, leave that tree up…I'll put a tire swing on it…Always wanted a tire swing…

PJ: Saruman, can we talk about your troubled childhood later? Huh?

Saruman: Okay…

(Cut to: PJ Saruman on couch and PJ in psychiatrist's chair)

(PJ sighs)

Day 7, Scene 29, Take 1 (Beep!) Roof of Orthanc

(Moth floats up over Isengard to roof of Orthanc)

Gandalf: Ew! A bug! (swats at it)

Scene 29, Take 2 (Beep!)

(Camera turns away from moth and Gandalf)

(Camera glides downside of Orthanc)

(Camera hits an outcropping)

Cameraman: AAAAAAAAAHHH!

(Camera swivels as it falls)

(Thud)

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 29, Take 3 (Beep!)

Saruman: Mmm. An Uruk-Hai birthing.

(Uruk-hai comes out of mud)

Small Orc: Congrats! It's an…it!

Uruk-Hai: ROOOAAR! Feed me, mommy!

Saruman: Look, the deranged production of my deranged imagination called me mommy…Cute…

Day 8, Scene 30, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: (to Saruman) There is only one Lord of the Ring, Saruman…Only one. And he does not share power, the selfish bleeper!

Scene 29, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: And he does not share…power!

(Gandalf runs to the edge of roof and jumps toward the Eagle, Gwahir)

Gandalf: (misses Gwahir's back) AIEEEEE!

Saruman: So you have chosen…death. But I didn't think it'd be that quick!

Day 5 Diary

PJ: We shot this diary on Day 5…Before I left for Isengard with Gandalf. However, I'm sending a camera crew with the Hobbits to shoot everything (it is REAL time!)

Day 5, Scene 32, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Field

Sam: This is it…

Frodo: What's it, Sam?

Sam: This is the spot where I first ate taters…Oh, the memories…

Day 6, Scene 33, Take 1 (Beep!) Maggot's Farm

Frodo: We're still in the Shire, Sam…What could possibly happen?

(Merry and Pippin pop out of the grass on their side and land on Sam and Frodo)

Pippin: Look, Merry! It's Frodo Baggins! And Sam!

Sam: Get offa me! (shoves Merry off--gasps) You've been stealing from banks!

Pippin: Only a couple of bags of cash…

Scene 34, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Road

Sam: A shortcut to what?

Pippin: Mushrooms!

Merry: No, marijuana; let's get it!

PJ: Merry, I think we need to talk…

Scene 34, Take 4 (Beep!)

Frodo: I think we should get off the road! Now!

Merry: (glassy-eyed) Hey, I'm tryin' to take a puff here…


	4. Season One: The Top of Weather

Haha! It happened again!

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New one. Now LotR: The Sitcom has disappeared and I've got to retype the first episode, until then no new sitcom. Don't worry, all my job applications have been rejected so far, so I got plenty of time…

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Aha! The third installment! And it continues! Ha ha! Ha ha!

And for those of you who have already read Season One, alas, the new Season Two bits will not be up on until all the Season One parts are up again. Alas. I lied. Again.

What else is new.

Let the weirdness…begin!

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Ring:**

**Part 3 of this really, really, really long thing**

Scene 34, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Rider comes down the Road)

(Hobbits sit around smoking)

(Rider picks up Frodo, begins to ride away)

Frodo: AAAAAAAHH! GUYS, HELP!

(Rider rides away)

(Hobbits continue smoking)

Pippin: You say somethin', Frodo? …Frodo?

Scene 35, Take 1 (Beep!) Roadside, Shire

(Rider appears--sniffs air several times)

Rider: Man! Some Hobbit here sure does STANK!

Scene 36, Take 1 (Beep!) Woods, Shire

(Hobbits scurry down hill)

Merry: What was that?

Frodo: I…don't…know.

Sam: Ooh…Twilight Zone…doo-dee-doo-dee…

Scene 37, Take 1 (Beep!)

Merry: That Rider looked like it was looking for something…Or someone…

Frodo: (pulling out bag of white powder) Yeah, I still haven't paid for my last few "dips" of grass…heh. The Rider wants his money.

Pippin: Dude, we still have some from those "mushrooms"…

PJ: All right, I got half a mind to call the police, and the other half says get you to rehab.

Scene 39, Take 1 (Beep!)

(Rider appears and Hobbits flee)

Sam: This way, Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Hey, I used to play High School football!

(Frodo attempts to "juke" Rider)

(Rider knocks Frodo over with sword)

Scene 39, Take 2 (Beep!)

(Pippin and Merry run ahead)

Pippin: (tries to leap fence) ACK! (trips)

Merry: Ha-ha! (points and laughs)

(Both trampled by passing Riders)

Scene 40, Take 1 (Beep!) Buckleberry Ferry

(Frodo runs down docks, pursued by Rider)

Sam: C'mon, Mr. Frodo!

(Frodo tries to jump to Ferry--misses)

Merry: I'm outta here. (steers boat away)

Frodo: Hey! (swims after)

PJ: MERRY, YOU COME BACK HERE WITH THAT BOAT! MERRY!

Day 7, Scene 41, Take 1 (Beep!) Bree-Gate

(Hobbits scurry across Road in the rain)

Gatekeeper: (opening window) Who are you?

Frodo: Big celebs, want our autograph?

Gatekeeper: Dude! I already got Tom Cruise in my book!

Merry: I've signed your book already? Really?

Scene 41, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gatekeeper: What are you doing here?

Frodo: Our business is our own!

Pippin: Yeah, keep your BIG butt-face out of OUR beeswax!

(Cut to: PJ washing Pip's mouth with soap)

Scene 43, Take 1 (Beep!) Prancing Pony

Butterbur: I've got some nice Hobbit-sized rooms on the North side…But you, the fat Hobbit, you'll have to sleep on a man-bed; you'll break the Hobbit ones…

Sam: Hey, I'M DIETING!

Scene 43, Take 1 (Beep!)

Butterbur: What'd you say your name was?

Frodo: Underhill…or was it Bon Jovi?

Butterbur: Both sound dumb, Underhill, Bon Jovi, ha!

Scene 44, Take 1 (Beep!) Common-Room

Merry: This, friends, is a pint!

Pippin: They come in pints? I'm getting one!

Sam: No way, Pip, only water for you, you're our designated driver!

Pippin: Screw that shit! I'm getting my damn beer!

(Cut to: PJ angrily washing Pip's mouth with soap)

Scene 45, Take 1 (Beep!) Common Room

Sam: I tell ya, Mr. Frodo, that one over there's been doin' nothin' but starin' at ya the whole time!

Frodo: Well…(rubs chin) I'm hot!

Scene 46, Take 1 (Beep!) Common Room

(Frodo falls and disappears)

Merry: Where'd Frodo go I mean, I knew he was small and getting thin, but…

Scene 47, Take 1 (Beep!)

Aragorn: I can make myself unseen if I wish--

Frodo: Probably 'cuz you're so damn ugly!

Scene 47, Take 2 (Beep!) Inn--Hobbit's Room

Aragorn: Are you scared?

Frodo: Yes…

Aragorn: Well, you'll be pissin' in your pants when I'm done with you.

(Cut to: PJ furiously washing Aragorn's mouth with soap)

Scene 48, Take 1 (Beep!) Hobbit's Room

(Riders come in and rip sheets to shreds with swords)

Rider 1: Hey, guys, why are we ruining some damn good linens?

R2: Good point…I haven't slept on a bed with sheets for so long..

R3: We could use 'em!

R4: Or sell them on eBay!

PJ: ARGH! I HATE THEM!

Scene 50, Take 1 (Beep!) Man-Room

Aragorn: They are the Nazgul, the Ringwraiths…

(Hobbits sit on bed listening--all save Merry)

Merry: (rummaging through bag) He, look! Aragorn's DIARY! Let's see what it says…"_I miss Arwen so much…"_ Ooh, Aragorn! Anyway…"Today I have made my pants fall down by pulling my sword out too fast only TWICE (Yay!)…

Aragorn: Hey, this sounds vaguely familiar…Wait a moment…It's my diary!

Merry: You're quick one--AAAAH!

Aragorn: (picks Merry up, chucks him out window to Ringwraiths) You can KEEP him!

PJ: UGH! ARAGORN! (chases Ringwraiths down streets) COME BACK WITH MERRY!

Day 8, Scene 51, Take 1 (Beep!) The "Wild"

Aragorn: I am taking you, Master Gamgee, into the Wild…

Pippin: No Vegas? Damn!

Scene 52, Take 1 (Beep!)

Pippin: What about second breakfast? Elevenseies?

Aragorn: There are some of Arwen's magical cookies she baked for me…

Merry: Give it up, Aragorn! Sheesh!

Day 9, Scene 54, Take 1 (Beep!) Weathertop

Frodo: (waking up) What are you doing? No!

Merry: Just making some yummy bacon and sausages!

Pippin: And eggs!

Merry: And some soy burgers for Sam.

Sam: HEY! I like soy burgers, OKAY!

Scene 54, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo: (stamping out fire) Oh, crap! Darn! My Gucci boots are ruined!

Scene 56, Take 1 (Beep!) Top of Weather

(Riders appear and come forward from lip of dell)

R1: (trips and falls on R2--slashes through R2's cloak by accident) Oops! Um…heh…

(R2 yells at R1; then swings sword as R3 bumps R4)

Rider-Captain: Fools! (attacks them all)

Sam: Sweet, we killed 'em.

Scene 56, Take 1 (Beep!)

(Frodo puts on Ring--disappears)

PJ: oh, shoot! Frodo, where are you? He's unconscious, how can we find him?

Day 8 Diary

PJ: We appear to have lost Frodo.

Pippin: (waves stick) Wait…I got somethin'!

Frodo: (groans "Eye…hurts") Ow! Pip, you doof!


	5. SO: The End of Those Rider Bastards

Sorry I took so long with thise one; I really thought I'd posted it already. Oh well…

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So, I think one more chapter until I've done everything that I posted the second time…

It's only been a month and five chapters! Well a month and a half, but I'm improving! Yay!

My life is sad

-------

Sons of bitches at mean I have to repost this chapter but Google ain't got it cached. Or whatever. Fuck it. I'm angry. So here it is.

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Rings: Season One**

**Part 4, and fuck you too!**

Scene 56, Take 2 (beep!)

(Aragorn leaps from shadows and attacks Riders)

Merry: This fight will end in tears, I tell you…

Pippin: It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye and gets burned by a brand…

Scene 56, Take 1 (beep!)

Pippin: Will he die?

Aragorn: You're pretty direct, aren't ya?

Scene 57, Take 2 (beep!)

Aragorn: Sam, do you know athelas?

Sam: Athelas…?

Aragorn: Kingsfoil!

Sam: Kingsfoil…?

Aragorn: Man, you're one crappy gardener.

Scene 57, Take 3 (Beep!)

Aragorn: Sam, do you know athelas:

Sam: Athelas…?

Aragorn: Kingsfoil!

Sam: Er…it's…(looks to PJ, who is waving his arms and making signs)…Erm…A weed…

Merry: Weed! What I wouldn't give for some weed…

Scene 57, Take 4 (Beep!) Woods by Weathertop

Voice: (holding sword to Aragorn's neck) What's this…A Ranger off his guard? Tsk, tsk…NOW GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY!

Scene 58, Take 1 (beep!)

(Arwen enters; Aragorn rubs athelas on Frodo's wound)

Frodo: (groans several times) Hey…that's the stingy stuff! Ow!

Aragorn: Suck it up, Frodo!

Scene 58, Take 2 (Beep!)

Arwen: The power of my people will protect him.

Aragorn: That's all you ever talk about! Your people…What about me!

Arwen: Hmm. Tell ya what, have your people talk to my people.

Scene 58, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Arwen rides off with Frodo)

Sam: You can't let her go! She hasn't told me any Elvish recipes yet!

Day 10, Scene 59, Take 1 (Beep!)The Chase to Rivendell

(Riders appear and pursue Arwen)

R1: Y'know what, guys? This is too hard!

R2: You're right! Forget this!

R3: Yeah! Sauron was cutting out wages, anyway!

R4: Well he IS giving us health insurance…

R5: Stop being such a good undead, four.

PJ: ARGH! DAMN RIDERS!

Scene 59, Take 1 (Beep!)

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!

R2: No, we want you, baby!

R3: Oh yeah!

Scene 59, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Water rushes down River from Ford)

R1: All right…off the set…Scene's done…Peter? Hey! The water's coming at us!

R2: Guys! Why is everyone else running away?

R3: Yeah, where are our stunt doubles for this scene?

R4: Hmm…

R5: Oh, CRAP! LOOK!

(points to Ford, still flooding, coming full force at them)

R1: AAARGH! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THIS--(drowned in oncoming water)

R2: NOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE--(drowns)

R3: (rushing his horse quickly) C'mon, we can make it! I know I can--(drowns)

R4: NOOOOOOO! (drowns)

(All the riders drown--except one)

Rider Captain: (still running from oncoming water--horse breathes heavily) No…Not now…Curse ye, WETA---(drowns)

PJ: (running on set) They drowned…? They drowned!

Arwen: YES! WE DID IT!

(Everyone exchanges high fives)

Day 10 Diary

PJ: Well, we're back. We got rid of some worthy undead cough_Riders_cough and new ones should be "flown" (wink, wink) in soon. Rivendell is set up, and Bilbo is currently being hauled away (kicking and screaming, I hear) from Vegas so we can do the scenes.

Scene 59, Take 4 (beep!)

Arwen: No, Frodo! Don't give in…Not now…

(Arwen holds Frodo close)

Aragorn: (appearing) Oh, Arwen, why do you torture me so?

Day 11, Scene 60, Take 1 (Beep!) Straying from thought & time

(focus zooms in and out--faces appear and fade)

Frodo: (thinking) Whoa…Now I KNOW I had too much to drink at the Prancing Pony…

Day 12, Scene 60, Take 2 (Beep!) Rivendell

Voice: It is October the 24th, 10 in the morning…

Frodo: Gandalf! Why didn't you meet us at the inn?

Gandalf: I got…delayed. Y'know the deal. Vegas. Passports. Recording studios…That stuff.

Scene 60, Take 3 (Beep!)

Sam: Mr. Frodo! (runs in)

Gandalf: Sam, here, has hardly left your side…

Sam: Well, that was just to stay away from the great food they got here…With the diet an' all…

Scene 61, Take 1 (Beep!) Rivendell Balcony

Merry and Pippin: Frodo!

(Hobbits gather: big hug)

Sam: Me too! (jumps into others)

(Frodo, being knocked by Sam, falls over balcony)

(Splash as Frodo hits the water hundreds of feet below)

Frodo" (shouting up) I'm…okay!

Scene 61, Take 2 (Beep!)

Bilbo: Frodo, m'lad!

Frodo: Hmph!

Bilbo: Frodo…? What is it?

Frodo: Your will! You gave away ALL that stuff! What about ME! I only got Bag End! What about your stocks, or bonds, your whole damn portfolio!

Bilbo: In Eh? It's a recession, dammit! And plus…Gandalf stole all my other stuff…Dirty bastard…Thinks I don't know…

Scene 62, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: We can ask no more of him--

Elrond: Sure we can! Just go, "Frodo, take the damn Ring to Mt. Doom in the desolation of Mordor!" Or toss it to him, and then shout at Frodo, "No backsies!"

Scene 62, Take 2 (Beep!)

Elrond: Men? Men are weak…Dumb, too! Sheesh. Oh, and they smell! Bunch of losers…

Scene 62, Take 3 (Beep!) Flashback--Mt. Doom

Elrond: Cast it in the flame, Isildur!

Isildur: (grins) No…

Elrond: Isildur! Why you li'l--(pushes Isildur into the Flame)

PJ: Oh, great, now we need a new Isildur!

Scene 62, Take 4 (Beep!)

Gandalf: There is one who could lead them…

Elrond: Aragorn? Pssh! He's a wuss. And If I catch him making out with Arwen again…

Scene 63, Take 1 (Beep!) Shrine of Narsil

(Aragorn looks up to Boromir)

(Boromir drops Sword and walks away)

Aragorn: That's right, punk! You betta not mess with the heir of Isildur!


	6. SO: The Losership of the Ring

Well, it seems the old intros are gone. So sorry, if you liked reading those.

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Rings: Season One**

**Part 5, and blah blah blah**

Scene 63, Take 2 (Beep!)

Boromir: Ow…A sword cut!

PJ: Aw…Does widdle Boromir have a boo-boo?

Scene 63, Take 3 (Beep!)

Arwen: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself.

Aragorn: Doesn't matter…The past is full of bad credit, for him, and for me…I gotta stop buying these designer rags…

Scene 64, Take 1 (Beep!) Outside Rivendell

Arwen: You did not bear the troubles you do now. Do you remember what I said?

Aragorn: Er…You said…Er…Something…

Arwen: (slaps him across the face) You don't remember!

Aragorn: Hey, it's not that important…

Scene 64, Take 2 (Beep!)

Arwen: And to that I hold…I choose a mortal life--ah, whoa!

(Arwen screams as she slips, then falls from the tiny bridge)

Aragorn: Ironic how she goes and dies when she became mortal. And I was just starting to like her, too.

(A duck wanders on scene)

Duck: Aflac!

Aragorn: Supplemental insurance? Yeah…Arwen should've gotten it…Hurt on the job like that…Hell, maybe I'd have received some life insurance for her if she got that, too…But, _no, I'm immortal, what do I need life insurance for?_

PJ: WHO WANTS DUCK SOUP!

Duck: Aflac? AFLAC!

Day 12 Diary

PJ: Well, soon we are to come upon the scene for the Council of Elrond, which is VERY important…But first, before we do so, we must clear up a small problem between Elrond, Arwen, and Aragorn…

Walk with me. Talk with me.

(PJ walks through lot, comes upon trailer)

PJ: (about to knock at trailer door) This is Elrond's trailer--

(Shouts suddenly erupt from trailer)

Voice (Elrond): No, Arwen, how many times do I have to tell you that you cannot go on a date with Aragorn!

Voice 2 (Arwen): When can I, then? When I'm 3000?

Elrond: 3000? Sounds reasonable…No Aragorn by then…

Arwen: Dad, I'm 2777 years old! That's like, 300 years away! Not fair, just 'cuz I'm the youngest! All my friends are dating mortal guys!

PJ: (putting down hand) Why don't we save this for later…(walks away from trailer)

Scene 65, Take 1 (Beep!) Council of Elrond

Elrond: Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.

Frodo: Um…heheh…I sort of…_misplaced_ it…

Gandalf: You what!

Frodo: Well, y'know, Vegas…that stuff…

Boromir: We're screwed.

Elrond: Oh, great! This is Isildur's fault!

PJ: TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING, FRODO! THIS IS JUST A JOKE, RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME, FRODO!

Frodo: Peter, calm down!

PJ: Calm down! CALM DOWN! I'LL SHOW YOU CALMED DOWN!

Bilbo: (turns to camera) I don't think you should see this. (looks into camera, then covers it with his hand)

(Strangled screams)

Scene 65, Take 2 (Beep!) Council of Elrond--in case ya forgot

Gimli: Then let us destroy it, and be done with it! (swings axe at Ring--Ring shatters)

(A scream is heard--far away; a Nazgul flies overheard and explodes)

Elrond: That was a waste of time.

Boromir: I dunno about you guys, but since there's no evil left, I headed to the Drunkard of Gondor© at Minas Tirith! Best beer in Middle-Earth! Who's with me?

Aragorn: I have tasted the beers of Gondor. They are moderate.

Boromir: (standing up) Who are you and what do you have to do with the nightclubs of Gondor?

Legolas: (standing up as well) Do you not know? This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, one of the best damn brewers north of Harad! And anyway, once my Dad gets out of rehab, he'll show you all! Fools! Mortals!

Gimli: I would be dead before I saw the best beer deemed to the hands of an Elf!

PJ: (waking after attempting suicide when Gimli broke the Ring) Oh, great…(pours hot coffee on self)

Boromir: (grinning) This…is Isildur's heir? Is he even 21? Gondor needs no brewer like _that_!

Galdor of the Havens: Hey, we at the Havens can make some good stuff, too! Círdan Líte, all the way! Thursdays are open 'til 4 AM!

Elrond: Well, I dunno about you guys, but we Rivendwelleers always keep a mug or two close by!

Legolas: Why don't you go make some obscene statues or memorize some 'lore', ya half-elf…

Elrond: Why you…li'l blonde punk!

Gandalf: Hey, we Wizards can get 'jiggy with it', as you young'uns say…

Boromir: Oh, shut up, Rogaine…

Elrond: (looking shocked) Rogaine! I thought you used Just-for-Elves Gel, like me! I don't know what to say, I feel so betrayed!

Gandalf: Well, it didn't cover the gray spots…(runs hand through hair; mutter to self)

Legolas: Look, can you two go try on some new dentures at some geezer slumber party?

Gandalf: Grr…Get him!

(Gandalf jumps at Legolas; everyone begins to bicker, except Bilbo, who mutters "Vegas" to himself)

(Gandalf threatens Legolas--then lights his hair aflame; Frodo walks into middle of floor)

Frodo: I will taste the beers of your lands!

(Everyone continues bickering--save Gandalf, who winces at Frodo's statement)

Frodo: I will taste the beers of your lands!

(everyone turns to face Frodo, including flaming hair Legolas)

Frodo: Though…I do not know the way.

Scene 65, Take 3 (Beep!)

Elrond: So be it…You shall be the Losership of the Ring!


	7. SO: Party Down the Mountain

Ah, another masterpiece among, well, masterpieces.

And, for those of you crazy Legolas fangirls, Legolas does indeed lose his pants in this chapter.

But, no—probably not in the way you're thinking.

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Rings: Season One**

**Part 6, being the literary gem right after the last five**

Scene 67, Take 1 (Beep!) Bilbo's Room

Bilbo: Mithiril…Try it on!

(Frodo unbuttons shirt--tries coat on)

Bilbo: Oh…My Ring…If I could just see it for a moment--

(Frodo closes buttons)

Bilbo: ARGH! (makes faces--dentures fall out) O poob! Ub dub noob glug!

Day 13, Scene 68, Take 1 (Beep!)Outside Rivendell

Merry: Hey, guys, guess what today is!

Legolas: The day we start our Quest by leaving Rivendell…?

Merry: No, silly! It's December 25th! Christmas!

Pippin: Hey, everybody: Have a _Merry_ Christmas!

Gimli: (mumbling) Can I be Santa Claus…?

Boromir: Dear God, this is gonna be one long trip.

Scene 71, Take 1 (Beep!)Rocks, somewhere

Boromir: One, two, three! Good, now you!

(Boromir, Pippin, Merry, practice Sword-fighting)

Aragorn: Bend at the knees more….

Pippin: (bends) Like this?

Aragorn: No, no…(walks over to Pippin) Whoa!

(Aragorn "trips" and "falls" on Pippin in a tangle of limbs)

Pippin: You okay?

Aragorn: Fine, just fine…(walks away quickly)

Pippin: Odd…(pats pockets) Hey, where's my wallet?

Scene 72, Take 1 (Beep!) Rocks, again

Gimli: If you ask me--

Legolas: No one did.

Gimli: Shut up! Anyway…It seems to me that we're taking the long way around…Why not FLY over a mountain? My cousin Balin could get us round-class, cheap tickets…_MoriAir_!

Scene 72, Take 2 (Beep!)

Legolas: (looking out into sky) Crebain from Dunland!

Pippin: No, wait--pigeons!

Gandalf: Saboteurs of Saruman! A fly-by dung bombing! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Scene 72, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf: We must take the pass…Of Caradhras!

Gimli: What part of MORIA isn't getting through here?

Pippin: No South-Road? Oh, well. I didn't bring suntan lotion, anyway. But it's gonna be cold…

Legolas: And me without my mink coat!

Merry: I didn't even bring my passport…

Day 15, Scene 74, Take 1 (Beep!)

(Boromir picks up the dropped Ring)

Boromir: Is it not odd that we should suffer so much fear and doubt to for so small a thing? So small a thing! And cheap, too! Looks like Sauron got it at a garage sale!

Aragorn': Boromir, put down the cheap jewelry…

Day 16, Scene 75, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard

(Crebain issue into pits, through holes, to Saruman)

Saruman: (listening to birds) So, Gandalf, you take them over Caradhras…Couldn't stop by to see little Old Saruman, could you? _No_…Always too busy…

Day 16 Diary

PJ: Remember, we must shoot this in real-time to avoid screwing up Tolkien's world (though our little "cheapie" stint wasn't THAT bad…). So, if something jumps between scenes quickly, we have to a)shoot it at a previous time or b) shoot it at the same time with two cameras. We must do this now, so Saruman can work his magic.

Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 1 (Beep!)

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!

Gandalf: Dratted Saruman! Such a busybody!

Isengard

Saruman: Ash nazg Caradhras--(loud screeching noises) Oh, bloody magical loudspeaker!

Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 2

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!

Gandalf: (blocking snow with hand) Darned low pressure systems!

Isengard

(Camera approaches lone figure on Orthanc--Saruman)

Saruman: (chanting--stops) Hey, turn that thing off! (motions to helicopter) I can't even hear myself think!

PJ: Saruman, focus! Never mind the camera-copter! Turn off the sound _in your mind_!

Helicopter pilot: What? Turn it off?

Cameraman: No! Ignore it! Just keep going right--

(Thud)

(Camera swivels as helicopter blades graze Orthanc--then camera and cameraman fall out)

PJ: Look what you did!

Pilot: What?

Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Legolas leaps forward to rock, his pants snag as he runs)

Legolas: There is a fell voice--hey, what's so funny? Why are you guys all laughing?

(Fellowship laughs; Gimli rolls with laughter)

Merry: It's…(snicker)…Your pants…(giggles)

Legolas: My pants! Well, I'm pretty sure this morning I didn't put on my tie-dye-flash bell-bottoms--oh my gosh! (look down to pants--notices that his pants, upon snagging on rock, had completely ripped off) And I thought it was just a draft!

(Legolas inches toward cliff-edge, covering his legs)

Legolas: Fly…you fools! (jumps off cliff)

Scene 80, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard

Saruman: You know what the Dwarves awoke, delving too deep…_Ernie_…And no cable for the whole way under, too, since the damn router at Lórien has been busted!

Scene 81, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Let the Ring-bearer…decide. And Vegas is not a choice!

Frodo: Damn!

Day 17, Scene 82, Take 1 (Beep!)West-gate, Moria

Gimli: The wall…of Moria! (runs ahead)

Legolas: Oh, _shut up_!

Boromir: (sarcastically) Look! The _port-a-potties_…of Moria!

Gimli: (halts) Where!

Scene 82, Take 2 (Beep!)

Frodo: What's the Elvish word for friend?

Gandalf: Er…Friendildil? Friendissimo?

Legolas: That's not it! It's--

Gandalf: Oh, shut up! I forgot one word…so what? I haven't been taking my ginkgo biloba lately, okay?

Aragorn: Ironic you forgot the word friend…'Cuz you don't have any!

Scene 83, Take 1 (Beep!)Moria's West-gate

(Fellowship attacked by octopus; Frodo dragged out, then saved)

Boromir: (hacking at octopus tentacle) Who wants sushi!

Scene 84, Take 1 (Beep!)Moria--Entrance hall

(Fellowship walks in past cave-in; Gandalf lights staff)

Boromir: (sees remains--gasps) Orcs! (draws sword)

Sam: No…There's dwarves, too, but everything's dead! Ew…

Legolas: This place just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it, Gimli?

Gimli: So Balin could use some re-decorating…so what?

Day 18, Scene 86, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--It's a big place, y'know

(Fellowship climbs the stairs--Merry slips)

Merry: Damn! These Timbs don't have that great a grip! Me and my style…

Scene 87, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--If Gandalf doesn't know, how should I?

Gandalf: …I have no memory of this place.

Boromir: I _knew_ we should've gotten a tour guide!

Frodo: So…the "ginkgo biloba" again, eh, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Shut the hell up.

Well, there it is.

And that would be the end for today! New parts up tomorrow! Unless I'm lying again! Which is very probable!


	8. SO: The GateCrashers of Moria

Okay, so, sorry I haven't posted in a while, but my computer's a little messed up and I just fixed it two days ago. But I did repost a couple LotR: The Sitcom chapters, so hey. Posting is as posting does.

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Man, why doesn't anybody click on this no more?

I got six reviews for that crappy first chapter of _Rohan Medical_ that took me ten minutes to write—but the stuff I actually try on…

Whatever! I know you all just read this but can never get the wordings for your reviews right so they are presentable to the venerable f. I understand…

I can seem that way.

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Ring: Season One**

**Part 7, not 8, like that friggin' automated number systems says that makes me look dumb boy is this long**

Day 19, Scene 88, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--same place

Gandalf: There are many that die, yet deserve life…Just look at Texas' death row!

Scene 88, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Oh! It's that way!

Pippin: How'd you remember?

Gandalf: Easy! Used MapQuest!

Aragorn: And it took you that long…(shakes head) So sad…

Gandalf: Hey! I had to use dial-up, y'know, because we don't GET any cable down here…Thanks to _someone_…(nods head at Gimli)

Gimli: Me? But…But…How am I supposed to get cable down here? Blame Balin! Or those damn Elves, they broke the router…

Scene 89, Take 1 (Beep!) Chamber of Mazarbul

Gimli: (gasps) No! (runs ahead--sobs)

Merry: What's wrong?

Gimli: (head bowed) With Balin dead, my stock option in _MoriAir_ are down the toilet! Good-bye, portfolio: why didn't I just use insider trading?

Balin: (bodiless voice; from nowhere) Yeah, thanks for caring, Gimli.

PJ: Spooky…

Scene 90, Take 1 (Beep!)

This take and the copyrights to it have been sold on eBay for $200 by a "Meriadoc Brandybuck" and a "Peregrin Took". We're sorry for any inconvenience.

PJ: MERRY! PIPPIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT WAD OF MONEY!

Scene 90, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: _They are coming_….

Pippin: Who's coming? Not the INS again, how many times do I have to tell them, I have a green card!

Scene 90, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf: _They are coming_…

(Pippin accidentally drops Orc armor in well)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! You ruined the "mood"!

Scene 90, Take 4 (Beep!)

Gandalf: _They are coming_…

Boromir: How many times can you say that?

Scene 90, Take 5 (Beep!)

Gandalf: _They are coming_…

Merry: Does it say any more? What's coming, perhaps?

Gandalf: Yes…I fear their end was cruel…_Router at Lórien broken…Damn Elves. No cable. But we need TV…They are coming. The Figure Skating Championships. Oin going to watch. So boring…We don't expect to see the light of day again. Darn Michelle Kwan. _

Scene 91, Take 1 (Beep!) Chamber of Mazarbul

Boromir: They've got a Cave Troll with them…And he's really ugly! Seriously! His skin hue is disgusting! Where's the makeup crew?

Merry: Maybe he's born with it…Maybe it's Maybelline…

PJ: WHAT! _WHAT!_

Pippin: Don't be offended, Pete! We all have ugly family members! Bilbo, for instance!

Scene 91, Take 2 (Beep!) Chamber of Mazarbul

(Orcs pours in; Fellowship fights)

Sam: (hitting Orc on head with pan) I think I'm getting the hang of this--wait! There was a piece of bacon on this pan! Where is it? (looks at dead Orc) You dirty thief!

(Sam peels the bacon off the Orc's face)

Sam: (chewing bacon) Mmm…

Scene 91 ,Take 3 (Beep!)

(Troll looks around pillar for Frodo, who moves aside)

Troll: (sticking head out) Peek-a-boo, I see you!

Scene 91, Take 4 (Beep!) Same place. Yes.

(Troll pins Frodo against wall with spear)

Troll: (cranes neck) ET…phone…home…(holds out glowing finger to Frodo's wound)

Scene 92, Take 1 (Beep!) Chamber of Maz…ah, y'know

(Aragorn stabs Troll and fights him)

Merry: Five bucks says the Troll wins!

Pippin: Don't know much, do ya? This is a movie, so the good guys have to win!

(Troll bats Aragorn to side)

Pippin: Damn! (Hands Merry $5)

Merry: (taking money) Formula, schmorula…

Scene 92, Take 2 (beep!)

Gandalf: I think there's more to this hobbit than it seems…

Frodo: (opens shirt; reveals strips of bacon tied and smithied together) You didn't think I was so hungry as to eat Sam's bacon, did ya?

Sam: So that's where your breakfasts have been going the past two weeks…

Scene 93, Take 1 (Beep!) Really big hall place

(Fellowship runs; Orcs issue out of every hole)

Frodo: Whoa, forget cockroaches, this is a total _infestation_!

Voice-over: So if your kitchen looks like this, call 1-800-_TERMINEX._

Legolas: Whoo product placement! (self-consciously) Whoo! Yeah…

PJ: Shut up. We're low on funds.

Scene 93, Take 2 (Beep!)

(Orcs issue from every hole; Fellowship flees)

Frodo: Wait! Just a moment! Look--the Orcs aren't chasing us, they're after--

Gimli: (gasps) The cameraman!

(Cries of "Move!", "Hi, mom, I'm in the movies!", and "I want a contract" come from the approaching Orc mob)

Orc 1: Move! I want to be on film!

Orc 2: Hush! We are! Now wave to the camera! (waves) Hi, mom!

Boromir: Run, cameraman, run!

Cameraman: Wha…? Huh…?…--Aaaah! Oh, shit!

(Camera swivels and bounces as cameraman runs from pursuing Orcs)

Orc 3: I think we've almost got him!

Orc 4: There he is, grab him!

(Camera screen grows fuzzy as Orcs knock it over and crowd over dazed cameraman)

Frodo: (muttering) Bunch of grimy wannabes…

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 93, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Orcs run away; fleeing back to holes)

Legolas: Wow, I didn't know Gimli smelled THAT bad…Look at the Orcs run!

Gimli: Hey! I just took a shower last month…

Scene 93, Take 4 (Beep!)

(Thudding sound, light appears on far side of hall)

Boromir: What is this new devilry…

Gandalf: (sighing) Old friend. Balrog. Don't ask. So I forgot his birthday…13,462 years straight…No need to get all "mortal combat" on us…

Scene 94, Take 1 (Beep!) Stairs before Bridge of Khazad-dum

Boromir: (runs forward; stops at stair end and teeters at edge) –Eeek!

Legolas: (grabs Boromir) Whoa, there, cliffhanger!

Scene 94, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Swords have no more use here! Well, maybe your sword…So shiny…Probably just as good as Glamdring…Plus, Ernie the Balrog might be a little mad…GIMME THAT SWORD!

Scene 95, Take 1 (Beep!) Stairs

Gimli: (holding hand to Aragorn, but stepping away) Nobody tosses a Dwarf! Well…It is a pretty wide gap…I could use some help…Okay, toss me…But touch my butt, and you die!

Aragorn: (Sarcastically) Oh, _darn_…


	9. SO: Gandalf Goes Skydiving

And so this marches on towards its end…The penultimate chapter of Season One.

---

Well, I didn't update for a few days there, but there's a new _Sitcom_…So…That took, what, five minutes, how much effort can ya expect from me?

Oh, I do love to put in these introductions

So…Let's get it on!

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Ring: Season One**

**Part 9, and whew, it's the last**

Scene 95, Take 2 (Beep!)

Aragorn: (on falling stair with Frodo)Lean forward!

(Rock leans forward and slams into stairs)

Sam: Whoa, and I thought I was fat!

Scene 95, Take 3 (Beep!) Moria--"Big stairs"

(Legolas shoots arrow up at Orc; hits it between eyes)

Gimli: Dude! That kind of aim scares me.

Legolas: Boo yeah! (shoots arrow) Oh, yeah! Get some sweat on this one! (sticks arrow under armpit)

That's just for extra punch!

(Legolas shoots the sweaty arrow; Orc ducks)

Orc: (up above stairs--covers nose) Aw. Geez. That smells! Take a shower, sheesh, you freaks!

Gimli: Now THAT is scary…

Scene 97, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--still

(Fellowship runs past Balrog's flames)

(Gandalf stops before it; Balrog spews flame from its mouth)

Gandalf: (sniffs) Aw, man! Have a mint; your breath is worse than Legolas' armpit!

Scene 99, Take 1 (Beep!) Bridge of Khazad-dum

Balrog: (Stepping on bridge) What'd you say about my mama!

Gandalf: I said, yo' moms is so fat, that when she--hey! I know your voice!

Balrog: 'Bout time you recognized it!

Gandalf: Oh, damn you, Ernie, you're not still angry about--

Ernie the Balrog: I sure as hell am! I mean, you took my favorite coloring book and--

Gandalf: (waving arms) Ernie, it's been over 16,000 years!

Ernie: So? I was 200 years old, dammit! Then you took my favorite coloring book and colored it completely gray! You're lucky I've been venting my anger in e-mails to Saruman, or I'd be REALLY angry!

Gandalf: Well…What's wrong with gray!

Ernie: You're just obsessed! It's all you wear! Your hair is DYED gray!

Gandalf: (running hand through hair and muttering about "out of Rogaine") Well…you got a prob?

Ernie: Yeah!

(Ernie and Gandalf attack each other--sissy fight slap each other while not looking)

(Smack smack smack)

(Ernie lands a good hit and knocks Gandalf 300 feet off the bridge)

Scene 99, Take 2 (Beep!) Brooklyn Bridge--I mean…

Gandalf: YOU…CANNOT…PASS!

(BOOM!)

(Bridge cracks--Ernie the Balrog falls)

(Ernie swings his whip as he falls)

Gandalf: (ducks whip) HA! Ernie missed me! Ernie missed me! (skips around)

(Whip swings toward camera)

Cameraman: AAAH--(whips curls around his knees)

(Cameraman is dragged to the abyss--then falls, with camera)

(Camera focuses on ledge far above as it falls)

Gandalf: (head appearing over ledge--looks at cameraman) Damn, that's the third one this week…

Scene 99, Take 3 (Beep!) Bridge

Gandalf: Go back to the Shadow! The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun!

Balrog: "Flame of Udun"? That's mean! Waaaaa!

Gandalf: Mama's boy.

Scene 99, Take 4 (Beep!) Bridge

Gandalf: Fly…you fools! (falls)

Frodo: NOOOOOO--what? Fly? Huh?

Gimli: Fly what? Was he mocking _MoriAir_? P'raps he meant _Aer Shirus, Delta Doom Airlines_, or one of those…Dunno. "Fly"; pretty vague.

Scene 99, Take 5 (Beep!) Bridge

Boromir: (holding Frodo) Aragorn!

Aragorn: (standing by ledge) He had my Frequent Flyer Card…And I had enough points for a 10 night stay at Lórien hotel…

Legolas: I thought these things were supposed to end funny.


	10. SO:The EpilogueExcuse For a Party

Don't worry folkies! Lots more Parody of the Ring to come—in fact, even Season One isn't finished…There is an 'unofficial' epilogue to be dealt with.

If you actually had done some searching, you would've known that the entire Season One was posted on my site the entire time, instead of having to wait for all my updates…Heh. Plus, if I wasn't stupid enough to delete it, so is the first part of Season Two. Oh well!

So I just figured out that the version of The Parody of the Ring that I'm breaking down is the first one I posted on in, the one with over 30 mistakes that I revised…Lost!

Ah! The blessed epilogue! And after this, on to Season Two!

Or shall I make that an entirely different fic…

I wonder. I mean, Season One and Season Two both go into the designation of "**The Losership of the Ring**"…Well. I'll let 'em go together.

And for those of you unfaithful enough not to have read the entire fic before getting here, just go back to the last scene of the last chapter ("Gandalf goes skydiving") to see why Legolas' first line is so. Along with them, those of you who aren't hip-hop fans (the fools!), Pippin's "Welcome to da Shire" is a parody of Ludacris' "Welcome to Atlanta". Note: Hey, it was 2002 when I wrote this.

**Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:**

**The Parody of the Ring:**

**Season One: EPILOGUE**

Legolas: I guess I was wrong.

Gimli: You sure as hell were! So…

Boromir: What are we doing.

Aragorn: Dunno.

(Silence)

Gimli: Let's dance!

(Fellowship starts dancing)

(Merry does the "robot"; Pippin sings "welcome to the Shire"; Gollum 'spins the discs')

Gollum: Yo, homeys!

Pippin: _Welcome to da Shire,  
Where the players play,  
And we ride farm carts  
Like everyday,  
Big carrots,  
Mean farmers,  
See High Elves roamin'_

Legolas: I'm an Elf! And I would be high, if my mommy let me smoke!

Pippin: --_And Bilbo's parties don't stop  
'Til 8 in the mornin'!_

PJ: (walks in) Hey, what the hell? This isn't part of the series!

Legolas: Oh, shoot!

Gollum: They don't pay me enough for this! (runs out from party, pulling up baggy pants)

PJ: I'm shutting this down! (walks to camera)

(Camera is shut off; screen goes black)

(Silence)

Voice 1: That wasn't funny.

Voice 2: Shut up, Legolas!

**Here ends Season One of The Parody of the Ring. If you have even more time to waste, or, for some reason, found this remotely funny, please continue with the sequel, Season Two.**


End file.
